A mixed up of friendship & confusion of l.o.v.e

"I need you to understand what this is like for me. I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself. My features are foreign. Even my eyes have changed. They have life, they give back. They aren't just filler for the hollow places in my skull anymore. When I smile now, my whole face smiles. I actually feel now. I don't have to trick my mind into believing that emptiness is peace. its a peace to mind. at least, at times. I have a conscience now. I'm not just a shell walking around flashing that same fake smile so no one will ask questions.I'm in love with you. Every inch of you. And somewhere, somehow, that stuck a nerve of the past. Feeling warmth again sent everything haywire and into panic. The dark corners of my mind started slithering forward and telling me I had to be Perfect and Smaller and Quieter and Distant to pull you closer. And I know good and damn well that is not what needs to happen. I know, I know that I don't have to put on a charade to feel your skin. I know that I don't have to shut you out to protect myself anymore. I know that I want to keep feeling the warmth you bring, because I've finally crawled out of the cold, out of the frozen state that I lived for so long. I don't want to ever go numb again. I can't.I need you to understand that this isn't what I want, this starving, this emptiness finding its way back into my life. I need you to understand that I don't do this because I want to force distance between us. But I know if I keep this destruction, everything will crumble. All of it will. And the thought of that scares me more than anything else.I need you to know that I'm in this, us, completely and entirely. I need you to understand that sometimes I will trip and stumble and the past will start biting at my ankles to pull me back. I need you to be there to hold my hand and pick me up again. I need to keep moving, and I can't move without you.I cant move without u. I'm writing you this so we can hopefully brush the dirt off of us and keep going. For us to move forward, I needed to show you what I was feeling on my level. Now, hopefully you have some insight as to why this happened.This was a short relapse-- a trip, a stumble. An end.Now I need your strenght to keep moving."Where did the days go? I like to believe that once upon a time, You loved me equally. Maybe even a little bit more.