A blessing for me

17.07.10
Saturday

I do think when you fall in love, nothing else will matters.
Its a blessing for me. At least Im connected. To his heart.
Its a question of heart, of how much love. Thats love..
Thats love. For those who understands it. Not for the sake of
being with someone. But for those magical moment that makes you
cry and smile from your heart. Even when you are in your sleep.

"i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear,and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life,which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

A mixed up of friendship & confusion of l.o.v.e

"I need you to understand what this is like for me. I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself. My features are foreign. Even my eyes have changed. They have life, they give back. They aren't just filler for the hollow places in my skull anymore. When I smile now, my whole face smiles. I actually feel now. I don't have to trick my mind into believing that emptiness is peace. its a peace to mind. at least, at times. I have a conscience now. I'm not just a shell walking around flashing that same fake smile so no one will ask questions.I'm in love with you. Every inch of you. And somewhere, somehow, that stuck a nerve of the past. Feeling warmth again sent everything haywire and into panic. The dark corners of my mind started slithering forward and telling me I had to be Perfect and Smaller and Quieter and Distant to pull you closer. And I know good and damn well that is not what needs to happen. I know, I know that I don't have to put on a charade to feel your skin. I know that I don't have to shut you out to protect myself anymore. I know that I want to keep feeling the warmth you bring, because I've finally crawled out of the cold, out of the frozen state that I lived for so long. I don't want to ever go numb again. I can't.I need you to understand that this isn't what I want, this starving, this emptiness finding its way back into my life. I need you to understand that I don't do this because I want to force distance between us. But I know if I keep this destruction, everything will crumble. All of it will. And the thought of that scares me more than anything else.I need you to know that I'm in this, us, completely and entirely. I need you to understand that sometimes I will trip and stumble and the past will start biting at my ankles to pull me back. I need you to be there to hold my hand and pick me up again. I need to keep moving, and I can't move without you.I cant move without u. I'm writing you this so we can hopefully brush the dirt off of us and keep going. For us to move forward, I needed to show you what I was feeling on my level. Now, hopefully you have some insight as to why this happened.This was a short relapse-- a trip, a stumble. An end.Now I need your strenght to keep moving."Where did the days go? I like to believe that once upon a time, You loved me equally. Maybe even a little bit more.

Tribute to Serena.

Dear regardless-of-whatever-had-happened, How tired I have become now but yet I could still feel a new cycle rolling in. This piece of hope or whatever you might call it, has already picture an ending, I see right before anything, but there is no escape, I still have to go down this road. Sometimes, it’s not always about love, especially falling in one or falling out of it, as I might come to my senses once in a while, and as I have been breathing this same air, over and over again. When I love, I really do. When I don’t, I really won’t. But regardless-of-whatever-had-happened, shouldn’t I be stronger by now? Shouldn’t I be so much wiser? How come I feel like a fool, each day that’s coming in…Why am I still a girl, still lost, still searching. Everything feels out of place. My mind isn’t where it’s supposed to be. My heart isn’t feeling right. My hands aren’t writing. Regardless-of-whatever-had-happened, I’m looking at my legs now, I don’t feel like they’re mine. Every single lines, is a joke. I read a news headline, the other day, I laughed, thinking of a joke. I tell people, “We end up being alone”, to each one of them, as a warning, one that me myself can’t accept. I am still scared until now, regardless-of-whatever-had-happened. Ahh him who blocked it with dark clouds, painting it like he just didn’t care, one that is forgiven and then forgotten, is one to blame? I’m over that question but it keeps popping out. I seriously need something to blame. I need it so badly, or else I might just slit this wrist. To fall or not to fall, in love and everything else in life. So regardless-of-whatever-had-happened, let’s see what will happen. TrueI

Tribute to Archibald.

What if your fears and dreams existed in the same place?What if to get to heaven you had to brave hell?What if everything you ever wanted cost you everything you ever achieved? Would you still?i am....Slowly drowning in my sorrowWishing things would be better tomorrowFeeling like I am in an ocean of doubt and despair,gradually sinking and gasping for air.Knowing life is not a light switch you can flip on and offSimply settling and accepting I have to carry on.Trying to keep my sanity and composure intactout of fear of how those close to me, might react.Fears of inadequacy as a human, as a guy, burry themselves deep in my headAs I make a foolish attempt to have a good night's rest in my lumpy bed.Due to the fact that there are others out there ten times better than I,makes me afraid and let out defeated sighs.Since it seems like things will always be this way,its frustrating because I have to go through it day after day.Yet, when my quandaries are more than I can bare,I can at least take comfort in those who really care.You know who you are, and so do I.That knowledge keeps me from going over the edge, from giving up and giving in.::sigh::n

From a writer. She was a writer.

Yes maybe I don’t understand. You are right, but if you keep on feeling and behaving this way, you are beyond help. Even I can’t help you, I’m sorry, I don’t have all the answers, remember I’m lost too. Sorry you had to be sober experiencing him losing his mind like that, I know it hurts and it’s scary, but that’s the truth. The fundamental of this is we all know that he loves you. Yeah I know it’s a big deal to you, I am here to face it with you. This thing is in you. You have got to chill. I see this in you. Everytime we speak on something, I know your mind lingers thinking about him. Darling, you have got to chill. You can’t rush yourself to keep discovering about his feelings towards you. he doesn’t have to tell it straight to your face that he loves you. You yourself could feel the connection to him. And you can’t be selfish to that extend. I know you want him, but you can’t have him, at the moment . We never knew if one day he would realize how much you mean to him, and decided to be with you. But in the mean time, if you choose to depress yourself over him, then you get it darling, you are depressed. Slowly, it would drive him away. We don’t want that, right? Be strong. Enjoy his company and be kind and nice to each other. You said you don’t want to jump into a relationship, even if he’s single, then why are you anxious right now. Darling, he’s not going anywhere, because you’re his close friend, and you guys shared something together. Dontcrash down. Good good. Ey no one has to hate anyone. The two of you have grown so much closer than before. I think no matter what each of you do later in the future, even though it’s hurting the other person, but the two of you could never hate each other. That’s just the way it is. Let the connection grow stronger from time to time, naturally, you or him in no need to rush things and jump into a decision. Like I said, you deserve time to be happy and chill with him, and same goes to you. It is wrong to be in the line of someone else’s boyfriend, but too bad, that’s life as we all know it. It’s inevitable. So yeah go be happy ! I’m always at your side, making you understand better. You’re in the early stage of singlehood, enjoy and cherish what you have while you can. Because in the middle of the journey (later), there will be time where you will fall and crash and burn…but no worries as I will be there with you too =) and if you’re lucky, you don’t even have to go through it =) Btw, you and him, both are in each other’s mind, that’s gotta be wonderful =) see told ya! It’ll be all right.

Bagaimana bisa tinggalkan bas sekolah ini

Dar Daz Zulkifli,

Bagaimana bisa tinggalkan bas sekolah ini? Pergi ke Sunway, terjumpa orang bomba. Pergi ke Sunway, jadi orang jahat. Perhentian dan rumah Abe. Tipu kemalangan di Ampang, Cheras, Sentul, dan balik dari Peninsula. Ada hantu. Takut bunyi teko. Mati dalam kereta. Tidur dalam kereta. Tunggu dalam kereta. Baju Mary Jane dan seluar dalam. Takut mati, tak mahu masuk kubur, pergi ke kubur. Doktor kata, “you should stop coming to her place.” Jumaat, sabtu, ahad. Fikir, fikir lagi apa itu kawan. Paksa saya tukar baju selesa, tapi suruh saya join kamu cepat-cepat. Kenapa kau masih lagi pakai kasut tinggi itu? Inikan rumah kau. Kita juara. Kita betul. Kita sudah kalah. Strategi dan creativity. Ikut cakap aku, Darwina! Kau tunggu aku habis baca Bono. Tadi atuk datang melawat Nora dan Mila. Berani kita pi situ? Apa kita fikir? Kau pakai skinny jeans. Aku fikir nak jadi gypsy. Cerita nabi-nabi. Salah dan betul. Macamana boleh kita tinggalkan bas sekolah ini? Tolong ajar aku.

Nin Syaz Sariff